Sisu

“Sisu (noun) - Extraordinary determination, courage and resoluteness in the face of extreme adversity. An action mindset which enables individuals to reach beyond their present limitations, take action against all odds and transform barriers into frontiers. An integral element of Finnish culture and also a universal capacity, which we all share.”

I remember reading “Sisu begins where grit and perseverance end. It is the ‘second wind’ of mental toughness.”

I had gotten it tattooed on my wrist in 2018, poorly may I add. I went out one weekend and got it at a place I’ve never been tattooed at. I jokingly call it my prison tattoo. But, it encouraged me deeply. At this point I was in my mid twenties, raising my four year old, mostly on my own due to my husband being gone a lot with the military and I had been battling autoimmune liver disease for years.

Training jiu jitsu was something that empowered me and made me feel capable. I began training late 2016, and competing in 2017. I could have a doctor appointment and get disappointing news, but I was determined to keep showing up for myself because of the new love I found for grappling.

Between the mix of covid times, being pregnant in 2020, and unknowingly being extremely ill postpartum, I had stopped training jiu jitsu unfortunately.

Fast forward a bit to 2022, I found myself deep in liver failure, with fluid collapsing my lung and battling with ascites. I could no longer care for myself and I was hospitalized in November.

I remember one evening, I was wearing an oxygen mask and trying to sleep. My oxygen dropped and the nurses came to get me to let me know they were going to put me on a ventilator. We had agreed earlier that day that I would only be put on a machine if it needed to save my life.

A nurse had asked me about the tattoo on my wrist to keep me up and I explained the second wind as best as I could with what little I had in me. In every moment of suffering, I would pray “…as long as there is breath in my lungs, God…” There is a supernatural peace I’ve experienced through all of this that can’t be explained unless you’ve known this presence.

The mental aspect of healing has been tougher than it has been physically, and I didn’t anticipate so many things to effect me as heavily as they have.

I like to believe I’m living out my “Sisu” these days.

I’m still learning to accept I am here. In this capacity.